| UGGGH |
[16 Feb 2008|07:58pm] |
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mood |
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I'm pretty much fed up with my ipod. I've had to erase everything, and reload it at least 3 times in the past two months.
And my laptop? Freakin' a. Too bad it doesn't work anymore.
One year tomorrow. I miss you. What a shithole it is here. Who would have ever thought you'd have this big of an influence on me? But you did, and I think about you every day. Please watch over me.
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[13 Jan 2008|02:04pm] |
Theatrefest was incredible! I am so completely happy I went, minus the few bits and pieces of drama that surfaced. My love for musicals has been doubly refound.
On one hand, I am so upset we weren't able to bring Quilters down, and I really hope I can see it next year. On the other, I am so ready for Secret Garden. Well, only partly. My grades aren't going to be looking so good.
But hey, I'm a second semester senior! BOOYAH.
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[26 May 2007|10:46pm] |
we live in a vapid, shallow, superficial world. cold and heartless, ready to snatch us up as soon as we start. dog eat dog, man betrays man. i should come home to you and you should love me. care for me. ask me how my day was, if you can get me anything. yet you open the door with an insult, and i response with a bitch. why can't i find the love i know i deserve? was it ever there? have i felt it but just wanted more? i cannot help but question you. because once i leave you, i don't think i'll miss you. and i do not believe i should feel that way.
but its funny how i still look to you, day after day, for that love. its funny how i let myself be disappointed time and again. its embarrassing the shock i feel when you mock me. or the pain when you ridicule me.
and that's why i want to change it. i want to change other people's because i cannot change my own. everyone deserve love from those closest to them--so when you cannot find it, it stings far worse than the imagination can believe. so when i leave and don't look back, do not be surprised for one minute. if living together cannot bring us close, how can distance?
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[17 Feb 2007|09:13pm] |
beautiful. thats how i'll always see you. inside and out. your radiance shone every day. remember how you would take kylee's clothes. you didn't need the $80 jeans. you didn't need to spend hours on yourself in the mirror. you knew you were gorgeous. you knew those people who mattered could see it.
they made fun of you. i hated them for it. i hate them even more for it now. you didn't. and i bet you still don' t. and i cannot understand that. i cannot understand you. but i know i wish i was more like you. i wish i knew how to be myself and not care what others think. to not hold a grudge. to love my passions without regret.
remember when we spent like, two hours after school just reading manga together? you, me, and margaret. i think. you brought like, 15 to school. or all the times in the ceramics lab. ap class, when you ALWAYS ended up on the wrong side of the argument. it was adorable.
or volleyball. you were a beast out there. i remember when you'd tell me about how no one would set you because i knew how it felt. or when you made every single amazing kill. your cute serve, so robotic and so accurate.
i haven't seen you in over a week. and i'm going to miss you so much. please watch over me. and kylee. be with her. kaitlyn and kylee will be so hard to forget. and you. i will never ever forget you- the red haired angel, who asked permission for a hug, who was just as smart as she was artistic, who will never leave my memory. i know you're reading this, so i won't cry. but i send you as many hugs as you want. and just as many chocolate covered pretzels. and locker decorations.
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| time to breathe |
[24 Feb 2006|07:10pm] |
'they won't understand it // what you've hidden from them // and this isnt getting easier'
and so i take a deep breath and tried to resurface from this hell i have plunged into face first. the weight i bear holds me down, it wraps its hands around my throat, smiling as i suffocate, as i gasp for the last bit of happiness i can find. but its grip is loosening, it can't hold on much longer. and there has to be light at the bottom of this pit. so can i start?
1. i don't trust anyone. at least anyone around me. theres those people out there ive finally been able to open up to, to my dearest annie and calvin. theyve saved me and made it so much easier for me to be able to say all of this. i can't tell anyone how i feel, how i actually god damn feel. ive been called a drama queen. good god, you don't even know the half of it. the drama you know is all fake drama. i create it to distract you. you can't know the real drama i'm going through. the torment and anguish i feel daily. but sometimes i feel as though youd hate me if you knew me. i feel maybe what i think i went through isnt what i really went through. did those kids in belvidere really mock me, call me names, hit me like i thought they did? or were they just being playful? does my mom hit me? or is it just a normal punishment for bad behavior to be dragged around. is the heartbreak he put me through any different from what any other girl goes through in a break up? do people actually hate me, or am i overreading what they say and do? and the questions go on forever. and sometimes, i just can't tell you how i feel, because im afraid youll tell me i am over reacting. im afraid youll tell me ive spent my whole life over reacting, and ill need to re-do it all. and i dont have the strength to re-do my life. i barely have the strength to hold onto today. and so often, that strength fails me and it does come to the line. why i havent crossed it yet is beyond me. my parents know of three attempts. how theyve missed so many more. how well i hide these things from you. i want you to stop me. i want you to tell me im not worthless, that somebody out there cares about me, that theres one person who will hear me out. but you havent. and i dont think you will. i think by the time anyone actually begins to care about me, itll be too late. ive given up hope of getting out of this hole. ive resigned to my fate. i just dont know when my time will be.
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